Why We Can’t Just ‘Let It Go’ & How Internal Family Systems Therapy Shows Us a Different Way

‘You just need to let it go.’

How many times have we all heard this from friends, from self-help books, or as a well-meaning quick fix online? Sometimes we may even say it to ourselves, especially when we are feeling frustrated by our own pain or a repetition of our familiar, and familial, patterns. We feel as though we should be able to move on or that we should ‘be over it’ by now. Sometimes it’s only been days, sometimes weeks, and sometimes even years that we’ve felt stuck in the same way. And we know, consciously, that what happened was years ago, that what was said is no longer relevant or that it doesn’t define us anymore but somehow we just can’t give it up.

Why do people believe we should be able to let go?

I come across people using this phrase often. It’s usually when people are talking about others in their circle. They ask their friends when they are out to dinner, or family at the kitchen table, ‘Why is she still going on about that? Why can’t she just let it go?’ The reason that people believe the person should be able to move on is because many people perceive emotions as simply thoughts. And thoughts (the basis of our beliefs, a belief is just a thought you keep thinking) can be shifted with a simple mindset tweak, a reframe, a different perspective. The truth is that, in many cases, this is indeed possible.

Sometimes when I’m coaching, a gentle reframe or the right question helps everything click into place. Or the client realises something that they hadn’t noticed, such as how what they are describing no longer applies and as a result, they let go of what they had been believing, sometimes for a lifetime. And when this happens, they feel instantaneously lighter, as if something has really shifted, really changed. The change filters through their system and then, as a result, other things can shift, other aspects of them and their experience can really change too. That kind of shift is powerful and how that person feels about themselves has genuinely changed. The new perspective acts as a catalyst because it was enough to cause a cognitive shift.

What if change doesn’t happen when we are offered a reframe?

Not everything can be reframed. At times, there’s something more going on, there’s something lying deep inside us, a Part that’s not just misinformed, it is still wounded. Sometimes it’s because the belief we’re trying to let go of is tied to pain that hasn’t been witnessed. Sometimes what looks like ‘overthinking’ is actually a Protector Part doing its job. It’s protecting, defending us from feeling the emotional wounding all over again. The Part provides overthinking as a smokescreen for what’s going on behind it. And what’s behind it is too vulnerable for the overthinking Part to allow us access. It hurt too much last time and therefore it is not safe enough to let go, no matter how much it may want to.

This happens when we experienced something that hit our system hard. It may have been during our childhood but equally could have been just a few months, weeks or even days ago. At the moment of the wounding, a Part was born (created in the system of Parts which makes up a person, IFS modality), a Part that would begin to protect us. Its job is to protect us from a repeat of the situation that caused the wound, or a repeat of the flood of emotional hurt that happened when it occurred. The Part takes its job seriously and it never stops doing it. And this is when we need more than a mindset tool.

There is no one right way to do deeper work. Sometimes what works is one of the deeper coaching techniques, sometimes it is meditation, all kinds of other therapies or bodywork of some kind. For me, in my life and in my work with clients, I have worked with Internal Family Systems Therapy. I find it very effective, with many clients experiencing meaningful results relatively quickly. Because of the way that it works, it provides a very compassionate and practical way to do the deeper work with the Parts of us that need to be seen, heard and trusted before they will let go. Rather than pushing to ‘fix’ or force change, IFS invites a gentle listening, a meeting with these protective parts that honors their concerns and gradually helps them trust that it’s safe to release their grip.

How to stop holding onIn Internal Family Systems, feeling stuck and unable to let go is seen as protection, the work of a Protector Part which is holding on. It’s not doing it to be difficult or dramatic, but because it genuinely believes that letting go would cause you harm. It is holding fearful beliefs like,‘If I let go, they’ll hurt me again.’‘If I let go, I’ll forget what really happened.’‘If I let go, I’ll be vulnerable.’’If I let go, I won’t be prepared next time.’

Usually these beliefs come from a time when you weren’t safe, when what happened, happened. This can be a very young part of you (the inner child). The Part has been holding on since then and so even if you are now safe, that young Part of you may not yet know that, so instead of letting go, we (they) hold on tighter. So instead of providing the reframe to us, we go inside and provide the reframe to the Part.

What that part actually needsThat Part cannot be talked out of it, it needs space to tell its story. I know that what I am about to write will appear far-fetched to those of us who haven’t done any inner work, but the Part really does tell its story. Our Parts are like sub-personalities with their own experience of our lives, their own beliefs and desires and they need to be heard in a way that they weren’t before. They need our curiosity, our presence, our compassion and our care. When our Parts feel met with love, they feel safe, and they do begin to soften. Only then can they let go.

This is the work I do, and it happens on two levels

Sometimes, we need to reframe the story we’re telling. We need to look again, with fresh eyes and support, and coaching can be very powerful for this. At other times, we need to go beneath the story, to the part of us who’s still holding the weight of the emotional wound, and that’s where IFS Therapy works. Because we’re not just shifting a mindset, we’re healing the part who never got to let go in the first place.

If you’ve ever felt stuck, holding on to something you wish you could just let go of, know this: that part of you is trying to keep you safe, even if it feels exhausting or confusing. Healing begins when we pause and offer that part the compassion and attention it needs.

Here’s a simple way to start this process for yourself:

When you notice yourself feeling stuck or holding on to something you ‘should’ be able to let go of, pause and turn your attention inward. Gently ask yourself,

‘Is there a part of me that doesn’t want to let go?’

‘What might it be afraid of?’

Try to listen without judgment. Even if you don’t hear an immediate answer, simply acknowledging that part with kindness can begin to soften its grip. This small act of curiosity and compassion can open the door to deeper healing…