Safety Is Not the Absence of Fear—It’s the Presence of Connection

What does it feel like to really feel safe? And do we know that it’s possible to feel this way? I don’t remember the first time I was aware of truly feeling safe within myself - in my body, in my life, in the world. Right now, so many of us are struggling with feeling unsafe, especially when we think about the state of the world. With so much of what is happening everywhere presented to us in full technicolour on all our devices, the idea of safety - what it is and how we can find it for ourselves - is very much on my mind.

I believe we would all like to feel safe all the time, if we know what it is to feel safe. Many of us have never experienced that feeling, and it took me years of work to know it and to consciously allow it to grow inside me. In IFS, this feeling is referred to as self-energy, and I write about it here. Its qualities are calm, clarity, curiosity, compassion, confidence, courage, creativity, and connectedness.

During the time when self-energy, the feeling of true safety, is developing within us, the experience can feel very unfamiliar. It can feel uncomfortable. There may be parts of us that feel it is too quiet, too still. When our body has spent so many years in vigilance, safety doesn’t feel like a warm blanket. It can feel like a heavy weight, an emptiness even. The quiet of it can feel unbearable in its unfamiliarity, and we may find yourself just waiting for the next shoe to drop - the next threat or the next thing to fix.

When that happens, the feeling of safety is overlaid by the parts of us that keep scanning, preparing, rehearsing, and looking for problems. They are the parts that would rather stay a little tense than risk truly letting go, and they have been taught that calm is dangerous - that if they/you relax, something bad will inevitably happen. Our Protector Parts hold many fears, and they can’t be convinced that these fears aren’t important, so they need to be met and acknowledged.

I spent most of my younger years in vigilance because of my health. I had no clue what it felt like to feel safe anywhere, and it took a long time for safety to land in my body - long after my recovery was complete. My body had recovered, but my nervous system needed to catch up. In the language of the nervous system, safety is characterized not by the absence of activated parts, but by the presence of connection. It is the quiet presence that says, “I am here for you,” and slowly your system begins to believe it.

Small things start changing. You notice that you breathe slightly deeper in your body. Your shoulders don’t feel quite so tight. You might start laughing at things that may have amused you before but never made you laugh. Maybe you brace less when situations might have felt tense. It’s not a dramatic change, but a slow reconnection - a quiet reunion.

Our parts have a hard time trusting us, our bodies, our relationships, and our world. Learning safety is really re-learning trust - re-learning trust in yourself. It’s an ongoing conversation between your parts and your Self, which can’t be forced, only allowed. Sometimes the most healing thing you can say to yourself is, “It’s okay if I don’t feel safe yet.” That statement opens the door for safety to enter and start growing.

Someone very wise once told me to “grow from where you’re planted,” which I really loved and appreciated. I used this phrase to allow myself to be exactly where I was. It was very helpful during a period when I felt unsafe much of the time. It gave me the feeling that I had roots when I felt like I had none, and that I could grow even when I felt like I was shrinking. Perhaps it will be helpful to you too. We are where we are, and though it would be wonderful if we could “decide” to feel different and make changes in a split second, real growth requires a foundation from which to grow - a connection deep within ourselves that feels steady, that feels truly present so that we can feel truly safe. Self-energy is the presence that helps us feel trust in ourselves, our bodies, our lives, and in the world, so that we can experience safety. Ultimately, it is the small, quiet moments you allow yourself to feel.

Reflection/Exercise

Take a moment to check in with your body. Notice where you feel even a flicker of ease, a sense of support, or a softening. Don’t try to create it - just notice.

Offer that awareness to the parts of you that usually brace or hold tension. You might say silently,

I see you. I know it’s hard to feel safe. You don’t have to let go all at once.'

Notice what happens when safety is allowed to arrive without demand - a shoulder dropping, a breath widening, a quiet smile. What does it feel like to really feel safe? And do we know that it’s possible to feel this way? I don’t remember the first time I was aware of truly feeling safe within myself - in my body, in my life, in the world. Right now, so many of us are struggling with feeling unsafe, especially when we think about the state of the world. With so much of what is happening everywhere presented to us in full technicolour on all our devices, the idea of safety - what it is and how we can find it for ourselves - is very much on my mind.

I believe we would all like to feel safe all the time, if we know what it is to feel safe. Many of us have never experienced that feeling, and it took me years of work to know it and to consciously allow it to grow inside me. In IFS, this feeling is referred to as self-energy, and I write about it here. Its qualities are calm, clarity, curiosity, compassion, confidence, courage, creativity, and connectedness.

During the time when self-energy, the feeling of true safety, is developing within us, the experience can feel very unfamiliar. It can feel uncomfortable. There may be parts of us that feel it is too quiet, too still. When our body has spent so many years in vigilance, safety doesn’t feel like a warm blanket. It can feel like a heavy weight, an emptiness even. The quiet of it can feel unbearable in its unfamiliarity, and we may find yourself just waiting for the next shoe to drop - the next threat or the next thing to fix.

When that happens, the feeling of safety is overlaid by the parts of us that keep scanning, preparing, rehearsing, and looking for problems. They are the parts that would rather stay a little tense than risk truly letting go, and they have been taught that calm is dangerous - that if they/you relax, something bad will inevitably happen. Our Protector Parts hold many fears, and they can’t be convinced that these fears aren’t important, so they need to be met and acknowledged.

I spent most of my younger years in vigilance because of my health. I had no clue what it felt like to feel safe anywhere, and it took a long time for safety to land in my body - long after my recovery was complete. My body had recovered, but my nervous system needed to catch up. In the language of the nervous system, safety is characterized not by the absence of activated parts, but by the presence of connection. It is the quiet presence that says, “I am here for you,” and slowly your system begins to believe it.

Small things start changing. You notice that you breathe slightly deeper in your body. Your shoulders don’t feel quite so tight. You might start laughing at things that may have amused you before but never made you laugh. Maybe you brace less when situations might have felt tense. It’s not a dramatic change, but a slow reconnection - a quiet reunion.

Our parts have a hard time trusting us, our bodies, our relationships, and our world. Learning safety is really re-learning trust - re-learning trust in yourself. It’s an ongoing conversation between your parts and your Self, which can’t be forced, only allowed. Sometimes the most healing thing you can say to yourself is, “It’s okay if I don’t feel safe yet.” That statement opens the door for safety to enter and start growing.

Someone very wise once told me to “grow from where you’re planted,” which I really loved and appreciated. I used this phrase to allow myself to be exactly where I was. It was very helpful during a period when I felt unsafe much of the time. It gave me the feeling that I had roots when I felt like I had none, and that I could grow even when I felt like I was shrinking. Perhaps it will be helpful to you too. We are where we are, and though it would be wonderful if we could “decide” to feel different and make changes in a split second, real growth requires a foundation from which to grow - a connection deep within ourselves that feels steady, that feels truly present so that we can feel truly safe. Self-energy is the presence that helps us feel trust in ourselves, our bodies, our lives, and in the world, so that we can experience safety. Ultimately, it is the small, quiet moments you allow yourself to feel.

Reflection/Exercise

Take a moment to check in with your body. Notice where you feel even a flicker of ease, a sense of support, or a softening. Don’t try to create it - just notice.

Offer that awareness to the parts of you that usually brace or hold tension. You might say silently, “I see you. I know it’s hard to feel safe. You don’t have to let go all at once.”

Notice what happens when safety is allowed to arrive without demand - a shoulder dropping, a breath widening, a quiet smile.