How To Stop Being Consumed by Your Feelings (and the parts that are holding them) – an IFS Therapy perspective

When something happens or someone does something that has an effect on us, we can easily be consumed by the emotion that is triggered. We feel angry, hurt, panicked, indignant or perhaps just sad. When this happens, we can get overwhelmed by that feeling, and that feeling, because at that time it’s all that we can feel, feels like it’s who we are. But there is a more useful way of looking at our emotions which IFS therapy provides because in reality, it’s just a Part of who we are.

One of the most freeing realisations in the course of my own journey was that my Parts, that hold the emotions that I experience, are not me. For a lifetime I had previously believed that when I felt anxiety, that it was I who was anxious. I, with a capital I, was anxious. When a critical voice inside me spoke up, I believed that it was I who was failing. I believed everything that those feelings told me, everything that the Parts of me were feeding me. I believed these feelings because they felt all-encompassing, totally overwhelming and as if they defined me. Then I began to understand how to get distance from my feelings which really helped but it wasn’t until I had IFS therapy, that I really got it and of course, once I had trained to work with others, I had a much fuller and deeper understanding that these were just Parts of me that held these negative feelings so that I could relate to them differently.

The shift – from being consumed by a Part of us and the feelings that it holds, to seeing it as something within me that is not the whole of me, is at the heart of witnessing.

Last week I posted a toolkit which provides a series of techniques that can help us when we are in the grip of the feelings of a Part, when that Part is activated and feel consumed by it (in IFS therapy this is called blended) and the feelings that it carries. These techniques can really help in the moment (I would always recommend 4-7-8 breathing when you are overwhelmed by a Part – it really calms the nervous system) and so I thought that I would lean into the idea of this toolkit by going a little more deeply into the witnessing aspect of it.

Witnessing is the simple, yet profound practice of noticing what is happening inside you without being swept away by it. It sounds strange, I know, that the very simple technique of pausing and acknowledging can make such a huge different, but it really can. Many people feel skeptical about it because they doubt that this pause really matters that much, but it does, much more than you can imagine. This moment of witnessing matters because when a Part is activated, it absolutely does feel like it is YOU. We can think, as I said, ‘I am anxious’, ‘I am angry’, or I am failing but when we take a moment to say, even if it feels like it’s pointless,

‘I notice a part of me that feels anxious is here.’

‘I notice a critical part has just spoken up.’

‘I notice an angry part of me is strong right now.’

it helps. This split second of acknowledgement, of witnessing, in the moment is profoundly soothing. Think of a child who is distressed. Often, what they need first is not a solution but to know that someone sees them. ‘I see you, I hear you and I know that you are upset’. Parts, that are holding strong emotion which is often linked to past trauma and relational pain, are no different.

Witnessing doesn’t need to be complicated. Here are some ways to do it right now. As before, start by naming what is happening. Say (aloud if possible),

‘I notice a part of me feels sad/anxious/angry.’

If you suddenly feel critical of that part, for example, you feel that you shouldn’t be feeling that way, then add,

‘And another part of me is judging it.’

I usually put my hands on my chest when I say this, just to centre myself and to give some extra comfort to the Part that is suffering. I also add,

‘I am safe, you are safe, we are safe’.

This is you speaking to yourself, to the Part and to all your Parts, just in case there are more emotional responses on the way and to acknowledge that all of your Parts work together as a system, they make up your Internal Family, hence Internal Family Systems.

The next thing to do it to acknowledge the Part, even if it feels forced or uncomfortable, try it.

You can say,

‘I hear you. I know you’re trying to help in your own way.’

And add,

‘I know that this is a part of me, not all of me.’

This recognition of the Part brings relaxation and signals that it doesn’t have to work so hard to protect you. At this point, those who aren’t aware of the modality may wonder what the idea of protection is about – simply said, each of our Parts has a job to do in our system which is the result of an emotional wound. It can be difficult for us to get our heads around this because the very emotions that I am saying are doing a job to protect you are the ones which are causing pain - anxiety, anger, sadness are painful emotions, how can they be protecting me? A very short explanation, so that I am not digressing too much, is that they are shielding you from the original pain that you experienced, the emotional wound that brought them into being as your protective detail in the first place. Do DM me if you would like more information about the modality. I do explain it in various other posts on my website and on Substack too.

To go back to the process, next, we can ask another Part to step in to help. Sometimes a calmer Part can help, sometimes this can be the analytical or thinking Part that can provide a logical explanation for what’s going on. Again, to soothe the activated Part, to provide relief. You can ask,

‘Is there another part of me who might be able to help right now?’

Recruiting this internal support can be very effective if you can’t find any calm from the previous stage of the process because it helps to ‘hold’ the Part that is activated.

I would always use some breathing technique when my Parts are activated. When I start feeling tension or stress, I start taking deeper, slower, longer breaths and this can really help. It is amazing how, when a Part is very activated, that doing 4-7-8 breathing can help. This is simply breathing in for four count, holding for seven counts and breathing out for eight counts. I would always encourage practicing this so that when you are feeling overcome by emotion, you can call on it as a familiar friend rather than having to find the Part of you that teaches you how to do things. When your Parts are activated, it’s just not possible, plus there are Parts that make us forget how to help ourselves, both in times of stress and our daily lives. I make a new intention and carry it out for some time and then, somehow, forget it completely!

The other thing that is very useful, if you haven’t practised a breathing technique, is to feel your feet on the ground or notice five things in the room. This also supports the practice of witnessing.

When Parts are ignored, shamed or fought against, they often turn up the volume. They believe that they need to shout louder to be heard. But when they are witnessed, even gently, something shifts because a Part that has been witnessed feels seen and understood, it begins to trust that your calm, connected, clear, confident, open-heartedness (Self-energy in IFS therapy) is available to hold it. The intensity softens, the inner conflict reduces and collaboration becomes possible. In essence, witnessing is an act of compassion. It communicates, ‘You matter, I see you. You don’t have to do this alone.’

Remember, parts are not your enemies, they are aspects of you that care deeply, even if their ways of showing up feel intense or confusing. Meeting them with patience, curiosity and gentle boundaries allows you to transform overwhelm into understanding and inner conflict into cooperation. Over time, these small acts of witnessing build a sense of Self - a calm, steady presence that can hold and soothe every part of you. Be gentle with yourself as you practice; every step, no matter how small, is a meaningful move toward inner harmony and resilience.

A Gentle Practice for the Week

Next time you feel a strong emotion rising - anxiety, irritation, sadness or self-criticism, try this:

1. Pause and say inwardly: ‘I notice a part of me feels…’ and name the emotion.

2. Place a hand on your chest or belly, feeling your own presence.

3. Add: ‘I see you. I know that you are a Part of me and not all of me.’

4. Take one slow breath out, offering space to the part.

Notice if anything softens, even slightly.

Thank you for reading my work.