The Quiet Power At The Centre That Helps Us To Be Less Reactive - Understanding Self-Energy

There’s a paradox at the heart of healing. We spend years searching outside ourselves for the key that will finally unlock ease in our lives. We read countless self-help books, we try different strategies, we search for the right teacher or therapist and all of these can help us. I am no exception - I have been in therapy and I have had coaching, I have researched many strategies and read countless books. And all of this can, and has helped me and my clients very successfully. Yet the deepest source of healing is something that we, all of us, already carry deep within us and it doesn’t need to be created, it simply needs to be uncovered and given room to breathe. It is what, in Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy, Self-energy.

For those who are not aware of the model, or who would like a very short reminder, here it is (if not, skip to the next paragraph). I am providing this recap from time to time in my work here because the modality underpins my writing. Inside all of us lives an inner family. Some parts are very tender, these are the Exiled parts, the younger parts that carry our old hurts and fears. At the time that they were wounded, because of the intensity of the emotional pain, other Parts of us stepped in to protect us. These are our Protector Parts. Some of those Protector Parts work hard to manage life by planning, controlling, or criticizing us so that we behave a certain way which protects us from getting hurt again. Others rush in to distract or numb us when emotions flare up. Even though the original threat is long gone, these Protector Parts continue to do their job (causing us more pain, despite their good intentions). Beneath all of this, though, is our Self, the steady, compassionate, caring, creative core of who we are. It is from Self that we can turn toward each part with curiosity and care, rather than being swept away by them.

Self-energy is difficult to define exactly but very simply, it is an internal presence, a way being with ourselves and with others that feels unmistakably different to the usual busyness of our minds. It has no particular story or agenda and because of this, we feel a sense of steadiness, of being grounded, even if life around us is messy. There are eight qualities associated with Self-energy: calm, connectedness, compassion, curiosity, clarity, creativity, courage and confidence, see below a very short explanation of each one, for the sake of clarity, to use a Self-energy word!

• Calm: the ability to stay grounded, not overwhelmed by parts or external stress.

• Clarity: seeing things as they are, without distortion from fear or judgment.

• Compassion: a natural kindness toward parts of yourself and others.

• Curiosity: genuine interest in understanding, without needing to fix or control.

• Confidence: a quiet trust in your capacity to handle what arises.

• Courage: the strength to face pain, fear or vulnerability with openness.

• Creativity: openness to new possibilities, solutions and expressions.

• Connectedness: feeling in relationship with yourself, others and the world around you.

When we’re in Self, we embody one or more of these qualities. We might be familiar with these qualities and they can feel quite abstract until we have experienced them in our bodies. For those of us who aren’t familiar with how these qualities feel, think of how you might feel if you were quietly comforting a frightened child by softening your voice, steadying your breath and offering comfort without needing to fix them. Another example of when you would naturally have it would be when time disappears when you are absorbed in nature, simply watching light move across the landscape in front of you for example. There is a particular spot that I visit as frequently as I can, it’s high above the land below and the horizon is literally miles away where the land melts into the sky. It looks different every time I’m there and I really connect with Self-energy without prompting when I sit before it, quietly taking it in. Another moment where Self-energy is usually around is when we are ‘in the zone’. This is one that I often speak about and I always encourage my clients to invest in their creativity, no matter what that consists of. Many of my clients are creatives and can really feel connected whilst involved in their craft. All of those moments are glimpses of Self-energy and they show us that beneath the noise of our parts, the busyness of our minds, there is a steady ground we can return to.

According to the Internal Family Systems model, everyone has this Self-energy. It is never damaged, no matter what we’ve lived through but for many of us, it gets obscured. Protective parts, the inner critics, the planners, the avoiders and the controllers rise up to shield us from pain. They do their job so well that they take over, and we lose touch with the quiet centre that exists beneath.

Therapy in IFS is less about ‘fixing’ these parts, in IFS we are not perceived as broken and therefore we don’t need fixing, and more about helping them to relax back enough so that Self-energy can come forward. Healing doesn’t happen because a therapist tells us what to do. It happens because, in moments of safety, we reconnect with the Self that knows how to lead our system. That presence itself is the healer.

Good therapy works like an incubator for Self. When we sit with a therapist who doesn’t judge, who listens with steady curiosity, something profound happens inside us. Our protective Parts start to trust that they don’t have to hold everything alone. A therapist is, in a sense, ‘lending’ us their Self-energy and creating a relational field where our own can emerge. Over time, as we internalize this experience, we learn to carry it with us. The voice of Self becomes more accessible. We start to notice when a Part is speaking, and we realize that we have a choice: to let that Part run the show or to invite Self to lead with calm authority.

We can cultivate Self-energy outside the therapy room because there are ways that we can nurture it for ourselves:

· Pause before reacting: When you feel triggered (when a Part is activated), take a breath and ask, ‘Who’s here right now?’ Identify the part of you that is present. This simple question creates space between you and the part that wants to act.

· Spend time in nature. The natural world often softens the grip of parts, helping us reconnect with our own groundedness.

· Journaling or meditation. Not to silence the mind, but to notice what parts arise and to gently invite the presence of Self to meet them. (Of course, sometimes those Parts just need to vent and that’s okay too).

· Seek safe connections. Being with people who allow us to be fully ourselves can amplify our own Self-energy, reminding us it’s real and available.

Living more from Self doesn’t mean we never get upset or that our Parts disappear. It means we lead with steadiness rather than reactivity. The advantages ripple outward and some of them are that we treat ourselves with kindness instead of criticism, we respond to others with presence instead of defensiveness, we feel freer and less bound by our old scripts and our relationships deepen, because people can feel when we are truly there. Self-energy doesn’t change everything in our lives, but it certainly makes it easier to navigate. It allows us to move through difficulty without losing ourselves.

Self-energy is not something we create through effort, it isn’t an achievement, a skill, or a new personality trait. It’s already here, like the sky behind the clouds. Our work is not to build it, but to notice the ways it’s obscured and to gently invite the clouds to part. So the invitation is simple, though never easy: trust that your Self is there, waiting. The quiet centre has never left you. And every small act of curiosity, kindness and presence is a step toward letting it lead.

Thank you for reading my work.