What Really Happened? How Our Protector Parts Are Born - an Internal Family Systems Therapy Perspective

I was walking along the street earlier this week when I passed a young family, two parents and their daughter, a little girl of perhaps six or seven years old. As I approached them, I caught the end of a conversation between the mother and daughter. The little girl had clearly said something unknow, perhaps about someone they had passed or someone she knew. Her mother said, her voice harsh and cold:

‘I never want to hear you say anything negative about anyone again. You should never, ever say anything unkind about anyone. Never.’

Our paths crossed at an angle as she was saying this and I saw the little girl’s face. I recognised that look, it was shame. I had hoped that she would look a little guilty but this was full on shame- she had blushed bright red and her head was bowed away from her mother who continued to tell her off.

Shame is a powerful emotion. It tells us, ‘I AM something wrong’. It’s a step down the emotional scale from guilt which states, ‘I DID something wrong’.

I know that her mother was trying to teach her loving kindness and respect for others but the way that she did it showed no respect for her daughter. It reminded me of when I was young. You’d see mothers clipping their sons around their ears while telling them that they’d better not hit their sister again. Sadly, in the case of this little girl, it wasn’t a lesson in love, it was a lesson that taught her that she was bad. The lead on from there is that she is unacceptable and sadly, unworthy plus that others deserve more kindness than she does.

An interpretation from the IFS perspective – this is what may have been happening inside the little girl

For those who don’t know about the role of a Protector in Internal Family Systems Therapy, these are the parts of use that step in to manage difficult feelings or situations. Their job is to keep us safe, emotionally or physically, by controlling what we say, what we feel or what we allow ourselves to express. Sometimes they do this by pushing away painful feelings, other times by trying to control our environment or others’ reactions.

In this scenario, a Part of this little girl, maybe a very young, fiery one, had spoken up in a way that sounded unkind. Maybe she felt threatened, maybe she wanted to feel important, she could have been confused by something unfamiliar. Outside that particular supermarket, as with many, there was a man sitting on the ground, begging for money. Perhaps what she said referred to him. But the Part that sounded unkind, at the moment that she said what she said, was trying its best to do something very important for the little girl, it was trying to protect her.

Protectors are parts of us that step in to manage difficult feelings or situations

In that moment, that protective Part was trying to shield the little girl from feeling vulnerable or powerless. It might have spoken sharply because it thought that was the only way to keep her safe or to be heard.

But when her mother reacted with such strong disapproval, using a harsh tone of voice and using words like ‘never’ and ‘ever’, it didn’t just correct the behaviour, it told her, ‘Parts of you are not okay. If they show up, I won’t be happy with you.’

And that’s how exile begins

All through our childhoods, we start to send those vulnerable parts underground, they become exiled. Adult’s reactions tell children’s Parts to disappear because the message is that it’s unsafe to express those feelings. In response, they develop more Protectors, those parts that try even harder to keep those vulnerable parts hidden, so the child doesn’t get hurt again. This is how we begin to lose touch with ourselves and it doesn’t just happen when we are children. Wounding can happen at any time and more and more Protector Parts are born into our systems. The moment that little girl heard those words, the part of her that had been unkind, let’s call it M, got tucked away. It heard the message loud and clear: ‘If I speak from this place again, I’ll be bad. I’ll be unloved. I’ll be too much.’

But here’s the truth: M isn’t really unkind. She’s just raw, honest, blunt and maybe even scared.

What if we taught our children, and ourselves, that it’s okay to have Parts that feel angry, selfish, or even cruel sometimes?

Because those Parts aren’t wrong. They’re parts that are trying to help us feel safe, seen, or strong. They are Protectors doing their best to manage big emotions and confusing situations. What would have happened if the mother had paused and said something like,

‘Hmm. Sounds like something upset you. Do you want to tell me what you were feeling when you said that?’

That question might have brought her daughter into connection instead of shame. Curiosity instead of fear.

We all have a little M inside, the Part that once got shamed for saying the wrong thing, for blurting out what we really felt, for not knowing any better. But that Part still wants to be heard. It still wants to belong. It still believes there’s a place in the world where she can be real, messy, and lovable. It would be wonderful if we didn’t feel the need to be perfect or silence our messy Parts, if we could turn inward with compassion and say,

‘I see you, I accept you completely as you are and I am listening.’