Self confidence - self-worth, competence and belonging..

This week I want to write something about confidence. Self confidence is commonly considered as consisting of three core elements. These are our SELF-WORTH, which is the value we place on ourselves, our COMPETENCE, the belief we hold about our capacity to achieve the things we want to, and our sense of BELONGING, whether we feel respected and accepted by others. The first thing to do is to give yourself a score out of ten which relates to the degree to which you are confident. If this is below seven, then there is still work to be done!

Wasted opportunities

If we waited until we felt confident enough to do new things and have new experiences, some of us would never make the changes we want in our lives, we would never take that new job or accept that invitation! Sometimes we just have to take a leap of faith and go for it, even if we aren’t sure we can. From time to time opportunities come our way and we genuinely do want to take advantage of them. Nevertheless, whether we do or not will depend on the three elements above: our degree of self-worth; our perceived (note) degree of competence and our sense of belonging within that situation. If any one of these elements is not in place you can be sure that a part of you is saying or screaming NO! to that opportunity.

Which one is it?

More often than not it is our personal understanding of the situation, ie our beliefs about ourselves that hold us back, even when the other things really are in place. In other words, we CAN do it, we just don’t BELIEVE we can. So, we need to ask ourselves: am I able to do this or, do I have the competence. Don’t just answer yes or no. Interview yourself in order to find evidence that supports the fact that you can do it. You might like to divide a page into two sections if you need to look at the ‘for’ and ‘against’ argument. Do you have the competence? If there is evidence to suggest that you have already tried and failed, what were the circumstances surrounding that failure? Have those circumstances now changed? What can you do in order to prevent this happening again?

Worthiness and Belonging

Do you feel good enough about yourself to allow yourself to take this opportunity? Very often lack of confidence is linked to a lack of worthiness, a feeling that we are not good enough to do, be or have this. This is more common where there is less evidence to suggest competence, ie proof! Or do you feel that you do not belong in that place, with those people? Remember, gaining a sense of belonging can take time but it still isn’t a reason to hold yourself back from allowing others the chance to accept you.

Confidence is a complex and contrary beast!

The truth is that the more we feel a sense of our own worth, the easier it is for us to fit in and belong and the quicker we are accepted into the new situation. The less worthy we feel, the harder it is for us to do this. Sometimes we don’t feel competent despite the heaviest burden of proof! In other words, we have done it before!

From time to time we just have to take a leap of faith! Faith in ourselves. If we don’t just go ahead and do it, we never gather any new evidence or experience and things don’t change that much. As always, it is our mind, our thoughts that hold us back. You all know what I think about those! Remember, it is just as Henry Ford said, ‘If you think you can or you can’t, you’re right!’

I hope this has been of some use to you. Remember, if you want to ask me anything don’t hesitate to get in touch!

hillybarker@gmail.com