Making Space for Healing - Unblending during an IFS session

Our exiled parts are holding the memories of the experiences that caused the original emotional wounds we carry. As children, we’ve all experienced some kind of painful wounding, and as adults we often remain bound by the patterns that those wounds created.

Most of the time, the source of that pain is our parents or caregivers, but not always. Wounding can come from anywhere. Sometimes it’s a dramatic trauma, like the loss of a parent and at other times, it’s a slow, quiet accumulation; the “drip-drip” of being emotionally overlooked or misunderstood over time.

It’s in those moments that a Protector part is born into our system. These are parts of us that step in to prevent that same kind of hurt from happening again. At first, their strategies work and they can keep the vulnerable part safe. But over time, these same strategies can make our adult lives more difficult. They become maladaptive.

In IFS therapy, we begin by getting to know these protectors, first in the conversation that takes place and then on a deeper level. The process often includes a series of gentle, respectful questions that the therapist offers to the client who then turns inward and asks the questions directly to the part. If you’ve never experienced this, it can sound a bit strange but it can quickly become normal. People sometimes find it difficult to believe that the parts actually respond to the questions that they are asked but they do!

The purpose of these questions isn’t to cross question or to fix the part. It’s to build a relationship. We ask questions relating to the role that the part has been doing, their reasons for doing it and their fears of what might happen if they don’t do their job. It is during this process, that often it will be revealed that the Protector is guarding an Exile.

Exiles, often known as our ‘inner child’ parts, are usually younger and still holding the weight of past pain. These parts carry the emotional burdens such as shame, isolation, grief and helplessness from those original wounds. In IFS, the healing of these parts is called unburdening. It’s a process by which the Exile is finally allowed to let go of what they’ve been carrying, sometimes for a lifetime.

Unburdening is profound. It’s not just emotional relief, it’s a process that supports neuroplasticity, helping the brain create new, more adaptive pathways. When healing happens, these once-exiled parts can reclaim their original essence, qualities like joy, creativity, spontaneity, curiosity, and confidence.

But before that can happen, we must meet the protectors. These are the parts we often know as our defense mechanisms: procrastination, perfectionism, anxiety, depression, people-pleasing, overworking, withdrawing. They too can be vulnerable and they need to develop the trust, through developing their relationship with the client, that the client is ready, that the Self is strong and safe enough to hold what comes next. And that’s where unblending becomes essential.

What Is Unblending?

Unblending is the process of creating space between the client’s Self and the part that is currently active. When we’re blended, we are ‘in’ the part and as a result, we’re speaking as it, thinking as it, feeling fully consumed by it. We say things like, ‘I’m anxious,’ or ‘I can’t stop spiraling.’ But in IFS, we learn to notice that a part of me is anxious or spiraling and not all of me.

When we unblend, we support the part to step back just enough that the client can turn toward it with curiosity and care. We don’t exile the part again or push it away, we simply help it not be in the driver’s seat.

This is the core of IFS work: creating a relationship between the Self and the part.

Some protectors are eager to step back. Others are hesitant, and rightly so. They’ve been doing their job for a long time. They may not trust that Self exists, or that it can do a better job. Sometimes they’ve never met Self before at all.

That’s why this process takes time. There is no pushing past protectors and the client will be unblending in the session, not just once, but a few times perhaps. Each time a new part arises, curious about what is happening, they are gently guided to step back enough so the Self can come forward. And it's from Self that the connection begins. It's from Self that healing unfolds.

There is no need to rush to unburdening. Just getting to know our parts, giving them space, listening to them, witnessing their experience, can bring a powerful calm to the system. Even if a session doesn’t reach an exile, if trust is built with a protector, that’s meaningful work. For clients with complex trauma, that trust may take many months, or longer. But every step forward matters.

The Bigger Picture

IFS is a slow, respectful, transformative journey. It’s not about fixing or performing. It’s about relating. As more parts are unburdened, more Self expands. Life begins to feel more spacious. We find more clarity, more compassion for ourselves and for others.

And maybe, just maybe, some of those qualities we thought we lost; joy, playfulness, freedom, start to return home.