Losing

Covid 19 is not slowing time. It seems unbelievable that more than a whole year of our lives has been dominate by this virus. The restrictions that we have learned to live with, the enormous emotional toll that it has taken on all of us, the losses – whether they are of our dear loved ones or the good health of our loved ones or the loss of our own good health, the loss of a job, an occupation, a community, company, our freedom or our sense of ourselves, we are changed forever. None of us know what the final toll will be on each of us individually and on us as communities or countries, but we will be different. I really hope that all the kindness and generosity of spirit that we have seen over the course of this pandemic last. It makes me emotional at times, to see how fervently supportive people are being of the NHS workers who have tirelessly worked throughout. Photos online of their exhausted bodies covering the floor of a breakroom, lying literally on the cold tiles, taking a short respite from their monstrous duties. I know several people that have lost loved ones to this pandemic and their sadness and the futility of their loss is heart-breaking. I think that many of us who have not lost people dear to us during this time live with the fear of it. I know that I do and that sometimes it is overwhelming. I worry for the beloved elderly members of our family. Nothing prepares you for loss but I am rooting for the causes of their deaths to be natural rather than Covid-related.

I feel the loss of connection and the loss of my old routine. I have become lazy with my morning routine. Not with my infrastructure, which includes meditation, but with my appearance. I feel like I have never worn anything but a black tracksuit forever. I have given up on wearing make up too. I see myself on zoom calls and I think being at home for so long has aged me. It’s a state of mind more than anything else but I feel like losing the routine of leaving the house in the morning has disconnected me not only from others but from myself somehow too. I live with more fear than I have done during the course of my life to-date and, despite all my training, I have struggled to move away from it. It lurks somewhere inside me so that in my private moments I tearful. I have tried to be practical about it – everyone has to die one day and it’s the cycle of life but it doesn’t bring me any comfort. Religion used to bring that comfort, that despite the separation, our loved ones live on in the name of Jesus but without this, in our modern world where a virus that spreads like a plague through nations, communities, homes and families, we are looking over our shoulder for it constantly.

As with everything in the world of well being, the first port of call is to find someone who can help you. It’s so important not to suffer in silence and you may just find that you are not as alone as you think. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy can be very helpful for anxiety over many things including fear of loss and it’s relaxation and breathing techniques really can bring relief in a practical way when the anxiety arises.

Getting someone to talk to, either within our social sphere or professionally can really make the difference. Other people turn to exploring spiritual matters. The idea, which exists outside the realm of religion, that each of us has a soul which goes on after we die, can be very comforting. The idea that the inner beings of our loved ones continue despite our separation from them can be very comforting. Exploration of spiritual matters could indeed open up a whole new world for us and this not only alleviates the current condition but can provide a new framework within which we can understand our experience here on earth.

Another way to explore our experience on earth and gain comfort in the face of the fear of loss and death is to read about philosophy. This is better for those of us who reject the idea of an afterlife and the eternal soul of man.

I am already exploring a spiritual approach to life and I have been on this journey for my entire life but even this does not help me at times. I think that what this fear has led to for me, is the commitment to myself and those around me, to really be present in the hear and now. Covid has reinforced the idea that we are not in control, we do not decide when we die and this means that anyone, of any age, of any level of health, can be taken from us by this deathly virus. No one is safe. For this reason, it is even more important to be fully present in our own lives, to say yes to things, to let go of unwanted and outdated ideas that we hold of ourselves and others, to forgive and to forget the things that others have done which have hurt us. Rekindle old connections – I have recently been in touch with one of my dearest friends with whom I lost touch more than thirty years ago – show the people that you care for how much they mean to you. Take really good care of yourself and others, say yes to things that you might formerly say no to… I am going paddle boarding with my nephew as soon as the weather improves!

Everyone will die, including us, but we must all fully live before we do so.

You are not alone!

hillybarker@gmail.com