Uncertainty and arguing

Life is up and down in week four of the Coronavirus, we are confronting life as we have never known it before and for some of us it feels that some are taking things seriously and some are ignoring advice and going on almost as normal without social distancing. The government has not acted as quickly and as stridently as it could have here in the UK and people are angry and upset. This is understandable and the repercussions for the government are unavoidable. The actions have been taken and there is no going back. We can’t know what is ahead and we have no idea what life will hold for us as a country once this is all over.

There is so much uncertainty, so many of us are cooped up at home with nowhere to go, fearful for ourselves and our loved ones, with no knowledge of when this will end and this is a recipe for conflict, both internally and externally. This is why I encourage extreme self care – so that we can develop and maintain clarity within ourselves and prevent internal struggles that manifest as external ones. This is a time when conflict and disruption in the home is rife. Tempers fray easily within these circumstances. Be constantly vigilant when it comes to your relationships with others. Arguments take time and energy to recover from and so it is best not to enter into them in the first place. There are some suffering terrible abuse in the home which begun before the pandemic began and we must ensure that we are neither abusing or being abused simply because of the current circumstances.

Here are a few ideas on how to keep yourself argument and conflict free. After all, arguments don’t solve anything and just make things worse. Here’s what you can do when tensions start to rise and a slight disagreement starts to take on a life of its own and start to get personal and go round in circles together.

1. Ignore the invitation

One of the best ways to prevent an argument is to refuse to accept the invitation to enter into it when it comes. There is always a moment when we could have walked away from an argument rather than enter into it. When someone says something inflammatory, you can decide not to say anything that will inflame the situation. When you don’t step into the argument, the impulse to argue in the other person is diminished because there is no corresponding force to push against. This is by far the best thing to do when that invitation comes but don’t beat yourself up if you don’t do it.

2. Buying time so you can both calm down

When someone invites you into an argument by asking you a question, Sometimes we can do this by simply buying time by saying ‘Let me get back to you on that, I’m not sure’, or ‘Let me think about that so I can give you a proper answer instead of one in the heat of the moment’. When you are about to argue with someone, your emotions are heightened and your body goes into ‘fight or flight’ which means that your focus narrows, your blood pressure increases and your ability to problem solve plummets. This is the point at which you jump in but if you can, instead, take the time to think about things or to consider the other person’s point of view, then both you and the other person will become more calm and the argument can be averted. If nothing more, the intensity may be less. Remember, you can be part of the argument or part of the solution. The choice is always yours and using this technique can help you make that choice consciously.

3. Choosing to be happy rather than being right

One of the best ways to avert an argument is to tell the other person that they are right. This is the point at which the other person steps back, because there is no energy for them to push against. This makes them like a sailing boat without any wind and they then calm down. You may indeed be right about what you are saying. But they are right in their own world and the best way to look at one another’s differences of opinion and viewpoint is in a calm, rational manner, not in the heat of an argument. Taking this very simple step ensures that your life is easier. Then you can bring up your differences within a safer environment and at a less emotionally volatile moment. This is a martial arts style side step and it usually works very well.

4. Understanding

This works the same way as number three because it takes the wind out of their sails. Offering empathy by saying that you understand what someone is going through changes the direction of the discussion from a straight path to an argument, to one person fully listening to the other. Listening is such a powerful tool and it doesn’t mean that you have given in to the other person or that you agree, you are simply allowing them to voice their side of things. You may even learn something more about your own viewpoint if you listen to theirs.

5. Saying ‘I’m sorry.’

The power of saying sorry is vastly underestimate and our reluctance to apologise can be seen as unsympathetic. We can apologise for what we have done but also for in sympathy for the other person by saying ‘I’m sorry it didn’t work out this time’, when something doesn’t go their way. This caring attitude can really help the situation and it is possible that the other person will start talking and again, you will learn something that you didn’t know and the argument may even go away all by itself because there wasn’t one in the first place.

Whatever you do, reach out for support if you need to and take really really good care of yourself.

hillybarker@gmail.com