After The Message – How I Helped My Parts

Last time I wrote about the message I received, the one I found ten years too late. I shared how it had sent me into a spiral of sadness, regret, guilt, and loss. It touched so many parts of me, all at once. This time I am writing about how I worked with the parts of me that had been activated, how I took care of them instead of dismissing them and pressing on with my life. It is very easy for all of us to do this, to simply push our feelings down. This ends up being counterproductive in that our emotions push themselves to the surface again when we least expect it, sometimes as dis-ease.

As anyone who works with their inner world knows, the emotion, the message, is just the beginning.

A Flood of Emotions and Activated Parts

After I had taken in the news that the person who had written this touching message to me was no longer alive, I had experienced a cascade of feelings.

There was the guilt-ridden part who told me off me: How could you have missed this? Why don’t you check your messages properly? The regretful part who whispered: You should have reached out. You should have looked her up years ago.The longing part who had been so very excited by the brief spark of reconnection, only for that hope to be almost immediately extinguished. The inner critic who landed hard and fast, insisting: You are was careless, selfish and disorganised. The grieving part who couldn’t bear the sudden loss, not only of her life, but of the imagined reunion, the conversation we never got to have.And the wounded, younger part who carries old griefs and past losses, who knows this pain all too well and re-feels it every time a door closes. They were all there and each one had something to say.

Listening to My Body and Emotions

I had struggled through the day and then, when I had time to attend to them, I sat and began to focus. The emotions that I was holding weren’t thoughts, they were parts of me that were held in different parts of my body. The mind / body connection is a strong one and if we listen closely enough, we can feel exactly where they sit. I sat and listened quietly.I felt a deep ache in my chest. My jaw was tight. There was a lump in my throat and a weight behind my eyes. My limbs felt heavy.As I brought awareness to my emotions, I could feel the parts in my body:• The grief sat in my sternum• The guilt tightened my stomach• The longing pulled across my shoulders• The critic was firmly placed behind my eyesI felt unanchored, like I was floating slightly above my body or half-submerged beneath it. Calming the nervous system is essential to be able to connect with the aspect of us that we need in order to start healing our activated parts.

Reconnecting with Self

Bit by bit, I reconnected with Self the quiet, steady core of who I am beneath all the thoughts, emotions and protective strategies.In IFS, Self is the inner essence, not a mood or a technique but a state of being that becomes more accessible as we witness and heal our wounded parts. The more space we give our parts to be seen and cared for, the more Self emerges with its natural qualities of calm, curiosity, compassion, confidence, courage, clarity and open-heartedness.Self is the aspect of us that can stay present in the storm. It doesn’t express the fight, flight, freeze response. It doesn’t rush in to fix, it doesn’t panic and do nothing, it doesn’t turn away. It holds, listens and waits with love.In those early hours after I read the message, I was completely blended with those parts, there was no Self. They were fully in charge. I couldn’t hear my own wisdom beneath the noise of grief and guilt. So I paused. I stepped outside and walked slowly on the grass, letting my bare feet meet the coolness of the earth. I felt the air on my face and listened for birdsong, even if it was very faint. I brought myself into sensation, into the here and now, instead of staying stuck in the spinning. I began to focus on taking control of my nervous system by taking the below actions.

Grounding Rituals to Anchor Myself

To support that reconnection I leaned into some anchoring rituals which can help:

• More 4-7-8 breathing with my palms on the centre of my chest

• Naming five things I could see, four I could touch, three I could hear

• Gently massaging the sides of my neck where the vagus nerve rests (easy to find videos on YouTube for this)

• Drinking warm tea with both hands around the cup

• Saying aloud: “I am here. I am with you. You are not alone.”

Holding My Parts with Compassion

Afterwards, I put my hand on the centre of my chest and I asked myself, “Is any aspect of me not overwhelmed right now?” and I found that the answer was yes. This was enough of a connection with my inner core for me to reconnect to it. And so I, Self, held my parts: the guilty one, the sad one, the longing one, the critic, the griever.Not perfectly, I would like to add, but I did my best.

To the part that felt guilty, I said:“I see you. You’ve been carrying so much weight, blaming yourself for what you didn’t know, for what you missed. It’s okay. You did your best with what you had. Thank you for caring so deeply.”I breathed deeply, allowing the message to reach that part so that it could soften.

To the part that was longing, so full of hope for connection, I said:“I know you were excited and hopeful, imagining what might be. It’s okay to feel that loss. It means that you care. I’m holding that tenderness with you now.”

To the inner critic, the loudest and harshest voice, I offered the following:“I hear you’re scared, worried that we messed up somehow. You want to keep us safe from failure and pain. I see your fear. But right now, you can rest a little. We are not alone and we didn’t fail her. We cared about her, and that is enough.”

I felt push back from this part that couldn’t quite let go of the idea that I had messed up but the relationship is there and still developing.

To the grieving part, heavy with sorrow and loss:“This pain is real and deep. I’m here with you. Let’s hold this together, moment by moment.”And I allowed myself to feel that grief fully, without rushing away.

Softening Through Presence, Not Perfection

I didn’t try to fix anything and I didn’t rush or demand change. I offered presence, warmth and love which is mostly what our parts and others need. And slowly, each part softened back. Not because the pain vanished but because they were no longer isolated in it. They were acknowledged and embraced. We don’t need to be perfect for our parts, we just need to let them know that we are there and that they are not alone. It takes practice to recognise and acknowledge our parts but it’s most definitely a worthwhile undertaking.

Finding Strength and Gratitude

Needless to say, after this work, I felt stronger. I think of this lady with real fondness and send love to her each day since then. We did some amazing work together and I take great comfort in the fact that the journey that we started together, she was able to continue and that our connection had been important to her. It was really important to me too.