Write / Don't Write - A Tug Of War An Internal Family Systems Therapy Perspective

I promised myself I would finally do it, write my Substack post for last week. Yes, that’s correct, last week’s post on here. I’ve been writing weekly for a while now and it feels really good to put something out on a regular basis but I hadn’t done it this week.

What happened? I’ve been busy, yes, but usually I will make the time to write. The week before last week, I had decided to take a week off, and that was great. I let go completely of any expectation of myself to write but then, as soon as Sunday last week hit, I was thinking about my next post just as I normally do. Something was off, I felt like a Part of me was resisting writing completely. It went further than that, a Part of me didn’t even want to think about it, it actually refused to think of any topics that might be ‘the right one’ for this week. I did all the shopping, washing, ironing, cleaning and clearing that I could get my hands on. It was my Avoider Part, it was completely activated but, once it was satisfied that its surroundings were sorted, it felt satisfied (this is usually the case) and by the end of that day, the Part of me that refused to think of a topic had given way to one and so all I needed to do now was to write it.

By the end of the next day, nothing had been written. Not one word. Then the task hung in the air above me. In fact, it hung like a cloud (I felt like I could almost see it) over me and the cloud was this Avoider Part of me and it was completely resistant. Now, I love writing and I really enjoy the process, reading and editing my work, which happens over the course of a few days, feels like something that really honours my creativity, but no, I was completely highjacked by the Part of me that was avoiding writing anything at all.

I knew, as someone who works with other peoples’ Parts, that it needed some attention. So I asked the Part, what’s stopping you? You are avoiding doing this piece of writing, what are you afraid of will happen if it gets done? It said, you guessed it, ‘NOTHING’. It refused to communicate. I sat quietly, meditated for a few minutes, told it, ‘I see you, and that whatever the reason that it was refusing to act, I was there and I was listening’. It continued to say, ‘NOTHING’. Time passed and eventually I got busy with clients and with the daily things of life and still nothing. And what’s more, nothing changed. I decided to sit with it for a while, so I sat quietly again, I put my hand on my the centre of my chest and I let this Part know that I felt compassion for it, that I was curious about its concerns, the reasons that it didn’t want to do what I wanted to do. It continued with the nothing...and the cloud remained hanging over my head wherever I went. I knew that this Part that was avoiding the writing work, as with all our Protector Parts, felt that it was doing what was best for me, it felt that if I did the writing, things would be worse for me.

Just a quick recap for those who haven’t heard anything about IFS therapy before I continue because the modality underpins my writing so it’s important that it’s understood, at least to a degree. At some point I will get a visual into my work so that there is a snapshot to refer to.

In the meantime, here goes…

Inside all of us lives an inner family. Some parts are very tender, these are the Exiled parts, the younger parts that carry our old hurts and fears. At the time that they were wounded, because of the intensity of the emotional pain, other Parts of us stepped in to protect us. These are our Protector Parts. Some of those Protector Parts work hard to manage life by planning, controlling, or criticizing us so that we behave a certain way which protects us from getting hurt again. Others rush in to distract or numb us when emotions flare up. Even though the original threat is long gone, these Protector Parts continue to do their job (causing us more pain). Beneath all of this, though, is our Self, the steady, compassionate, caring, creative core of who we are. It is from Self that we can turn toward each part with curiosity and care, rather than being swept away by them.

Protector Parts absolutely have our best interests at heart, however difficult they can make our lives when they are activated, and they can be really difficult to live with. I knew that the Part of me that held the feeling, ‘I have to avoid doing this’ had my best interests at heart. So, I asked it again, more gently with increased patience, knowing that it didn’t want to be pushed, to give me something, anything that I could work with, to help it to help me to start writing. Again, NOTHING.

I had been feeling very calm about it all but now, in that moment another Part of me was activated, the one that holds intense feelings of frustration, I recognised this Part, this is one that I know well and although it’s far less strong than it used to be, it is still around. I hear its voice, ‘That’s it, no more excuses, just get on with it’. And almost immediately, I felt the push, that familiar pressure in my chest. It was sharp, impatient, relentless.

So I sat down, decided on a topic and wrote. I wrote and wrote and wrote. I edited, amended, perfected. It was done. I felt relief. I had wrestled the Part of me that refused to be pushed, the Avoider, to the ground and I had won, or rather the Part of me that Pushes me into doing what I said I was going to do, had won. I was aware that I had written from this Part rather than with more Self-energy, that quiet, calm, confident aspect of myself (which we all have) which writes from clarity. But it was done. That was something. I felt relieved.

Then read it through. I read it through again. I had read it as I was editing it and it had made sense then but now somehow now it was flat, uninteresting. It was unengaging and inauthentic. All of you writers understand exactly what happened here. The Part of me that wrote wasn’t the one that I usually write from and although there’s nothing wrong with writing from a different voice, from a different Part, this was all wrong. And there was no way on earth that I could post what I had written. And so I was back at the beginning again. I felt like I was playing a game of Snakes and Ladders.

What should I do now. I jotted down some other topics, I scribbled some notes. Yet another day was ebbing away as I did anything but write. That Part was activated again, that Part that refused to write, that was avoiding getting it done, sat like a cloud above my head again, only bigger. I always appreciate it when Parts give me visual representations of themselves. I imagined this Part as that cloud, a little bit grey and heavy. My neck hurt. I tried to communicate with it again. I know it was a bit of a stretch but I even tried to do some journaling from it – silly, I know. NOTHING.

I tidied the house again, I washed up absolutely everything I could get my hands on. I even ironed more clothes, things that had been at the bottom of the pile forever and that I never used. I had an errand to do and so I did that. I had some calls to make and so I did them. The day was coming to a close now and I still hadn’t written anything. What’s more, the two Parts of me, the Part that refused to write, the Avoider, and the Part that felt that I should push myself hard to complete the task were now in direct conflict. It was official.

When Parts are in conflict, polarised, it can be painful. They pushed back and forth in their tug of war and I was feeling the frustration rise in my chest again. I decided that I really had to find out what was going on now, it was getting ridiculous. As I closed my eyes, I felt the push forward towards writing and then the push back, both sensations felt like they were sitting in my chest. Still no writing. I know that both Parts of me are holding fears and so I decided to fall back on the knowledge that I have of myself already so that I could go one step further in trying to support these Parts of me. The one that was avoiding writing was afraid that what I write would be rubbish and that I would fail because of it and the one that was pushing me to write was afraid that I wouldn’t show up (years ago this was definitely a Part that characterised my life – an aspect of the staying small Part that I wrote about last week) and then I would fail because of that. So, showing up and doing it might end in failure and not doing it could also end in failure. At least they agreed on something! I felt tired of the tension that these Parts were holding, after all their tussling, I could feel it in my body.

So there I am, caught between their argument and their corresponding tensions. I decided that all I could do right now was to thank them both for doing what they can to keep me safe. I acknowledged them, sent them some appreciation for working hard at their roles. I did some 4-7-8 breathing and, as I breathed out, I asked if they would soften, just a little. An image suddenly popped into my mind, that of a girl lying on a bed, she was crying. When I looked more closely, I saw that this was the bedroom I shared with my sister as a child and I got the sense that she was crying because she felt that she couldn’t do it. It brought to mind the Part of me that used to feel desperate when I had a deadline for completing work at school. I was a very serious student and there were high expectations of me and I pushed myself on and on and on to do well academically. I truly felt like a complete failure unless I got an A or above in every piece of work and I felt this pressure 24/7. I worried about my studies and, most of the time, despite my capacity for hard work and the success that it brought (none of which I owned, felt or experienced), I carried a very deep concern about the fact that I wasn’t good enough at studying that, despite all the good marks, I wasn’t at all clever. This young girl is the Exile, the Part of me that the avoider Part and the Part that pushes me to get things done, were protecting and she lies behind those Protector Parts. She is the one that needs my love and attention. She is the one that needs to be supported and guided to let go of her feeling of lack of worth. I acknowledged this Part of me, this weeping girl that held the feelings of failure, the fears about not being good enough, no matter what she did and how well she did it and I sent her my reassurance, I sent her my love.

Her appearance had dissipated the presence of the Protector Parts and my attention to her seemed to do the trick. And just like that, I began to write. I wrote this. It’s days and days late, but it’s done.

Thank you for reading my work. I really appreciate it. If you have any questions about Internal Family Systems please do not hesitate to reach out. Sending love to everyone today....