Why Do I Keep Repeating the Same Old Patterns?

The reason why things aren't changing...

When we are going through the process of healing there are times when, no matter how much knowledge we have about ourselves and our patterns of behaviour, there are moments when nothing feels like it is working. We want the change, we want to do something different but we revert to doing exactly what we have always done, even if we know, immediately afterwards (or even before) that we feel unhappy with the outcome. Unhappy with ourselves.

There is pain attached to this situation. It is hard to know that we feel stuck and harder still to be aware that we blame ourselves for it. The recrimination is tough to hear – there are parts of us that ask accusatory questions like:

· How could you have done that?

· If you can’t do this, how will you ever be successful?

Or decide to condemn us:

· You are useless.

This is the voice of the part that shames us. And the part that keeps doing exactly the same thing, expecting to get a different result, feels like self-sabotage. From an Internal Family Systems Therapy (IFS) perspective, this couldn’t be further from the truth. These parts are trying to protect us.

Protector Parts are Parts of us that are born from early experiences of hurt or threat. These Parts step in to keep us safe by managing, avoiding or controlling what feels overwhelming or painful. These Parts don’t go away when the initial threat or hurt is over, they take the job of managing things from then on and they keep on doing this job no matter what. They are like our sub-personalities that work on our behalf but, where they cause us pain, their protection may no longer be needed and they need to be supported to let go of their role (anxiety, control, anger) so that the healing can take place.

These parts are trying to help us but when we are in the throes of a panic attack or a bout of extreme anger, it’s really hard to see that and even harder to feel it. Sometimes we don’t know why we feel these things, we don’t know the reasons why we react the way that we do, but the Parts that are reacting do know. Whenever I write that, that Parts know the answers (and that they can tell us), there is a Part of me that feels that it’s too incredible for readers to understand. I was thinking about this a lot recently, how real it is, how people come to me as clients and find the idea of Parts and what they hold and can do, really strange and then find that it all makes sense once they have met some of their Parts whether it’s as sensations in their bodies or images in their minds, and that they actually speak to them, share their experiences. It’s incredible and magical.

When considering how difficult it can be for us to change our behaviours, it’s important to focus on the word ‘protection’. Our protective parts are not operating from logic or from present-day thinking. They are operating from memory, emotion and survival. Many of these parts were born into our systems very early in our lives and they have been doing their jobs for years and years, so no wonder that they aren’t budging easily.

Here’s an example I see often. I once worked with someone who kept finding herself agreeing to things she didn’t want to do. She said yes to events that she didn’t want to attend, yes to phone calls late at night with friends in need when she was exhausted and yes to helping out at fetes, car boot sales, house-moves and book club meets when she’d rather have been home in bed.

When I asked her what she had tried so far, she gave me a list of the strategies which included asking her husband to support her by running things past him so that he could tell her, emphatically, to say no. Needless to say, as soon as she was confronted with an invitation or request, she just couldn’t do it. She would freeze and say yes. I have mentioned my people-pleaser Part before and this used to be very strong in my system. It ruled my life, it got me into all kinds of trouble big and small. The frustration of not being able to make this change was palpable.

When working with the people-pleaser Part, we uncovered that it had been managing all her relationships since she was very, very young. The part of her that held this desire to please people also held the belief that if she didn’t please them, that if she ever disappointed someone, she would be rejected. She would be seen as selfish, something that was frowned upon in her family. This Part didn’t care about her decision to change things, it didn’t care about what other options were available, it didn’t care about what her husband said or encouraged her to do, it had to do what it had to do. The reason for this is because safety lay in keeping others happy. If she didn’t do that, if she did something other than what that Part wanted her to do, she would not be safe.

This Part of her wouldn’t step aside until it knew that she was going to be okay if it didn’t do what it had always done. Our Protector Parts strongly believe that they are the only thing keeping us safe and so this is a job that they take very seriously. They aren’t going to give it up just like that. They need to feel trust that we can handle things without them stepping in. And this is more common than you would think. Many of us have parts that don’t want to change. Not because they are stubborn or destructive, but because they are scared of what will happen.

Here are some examples which you might relate to

· Keeping us small to keep us included

· Holding us back to that we don’t stand out or draw attention to ourselves

· Distracting us so that we don’t feel the ache underneath

And, just like my client,

· Pleasing others so that we are never blamed or called selfish

And they will continue to do what they are doing because they want to protect us, because they want to help us. Even if they cause us pain. Their belief is that the pain that they may cause (if they are aware of it which most are not) then that is better than the pain from which they are protecting us.

If there is a part of you that doesn’t want to heal yet, it doesn’t mean that something is wrong, that the healing work (no matter what modality) is not working. It means that that Part of you doesn’t yet feel safe enough to allow things to change. In Internal Family Systems Therapy we aren’t trying to get rid of parts that are stuck, we don’t ignore them. We acknowledge them. We sit with them. We send appreciation to them. When they are ready to communicate, they will let us know and then we can get curious about them, listen to them with compassion and care.

In my work, I help people get to know these Parts with care and patience, just as I have got to know my Parts, and still tend to the Parts of me that cause me pain when they are activated. Sometimes, the stuckness we feel isn’t because we’re doing something wrong, but because there’s a part of us still holding pain, a part that needed to take on something heavy a long time ago and that hasn’t yet had the chance to be fully seen and heard. When that part is gently witnessed, when its story is heard without judgment, healing becomes possible in a much more lasting and embodied way. And it will happen. These parts are not here to block our healing, they’re simply waiting for the right conditions. With patience, presence and curiosity, they will begin to trust that it’s safe to soften. You don’t have to force anything. You just have to keep listening.

Here are some questions to consider if you’re feeling stuck, whether you are in therapy (IFS or otherwise) or not:

• What if your resistance isn’t a sign you’re failing, but a sign that a younger part of you doesn’t yet feel safe?

• What if you don’t need to push harder, but instead listen more closely?

• What if your system already knows how to heal and the resistance that you’re experiencing is just a part of the process rather than a sign that something is wrong?

Thank you for reading.