The Profound Appeal of Internal Family Systems Therapy

The appeal of Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy continues to expand with both therapists and clients alike. I find that it is very different from other therapeutic modalities, its more creative, more powerful and with what feels like a far deeper reach, at least for me. Numbers of therapists cite it as the most effective way of working that they have ever used. This is a bold and intriguing statement and so I looked into and I have listed some of the reasons that this might be the case below.

In IFS, each one of us is viewed as multiple, as a system of parts, some of which are positive and resourceful and others which have been traumatized and are in need of healing. When seen as a system of parts, we are no longer mono but multiple and so, no matter who we are and what we have experienced, we are not stigmatized by a diagnosis. By recognizing that we are made up of many parts, it follows that although we may be feeling depressed or anxious for example, it is only part of us, which is holding the feeling of depression or anxiety and not the whole of us. It follows then, that there are parts of us which are, at the same time, not holding the experience of this emotion. Therefore, we are not entirely and solely our depression or anxiety, which is both a comforting and empowering idea.

Another, very important aspect of the IFS modality, is the existence of a self in all of us. A great deal has been written about what is meant by the self, but in IFS the it is described by Dick Scwhartz, the creator of IFS, as ‘who we truly are’. It is the aspect of us which has been undamaged, by our traumatic experiences. For some of us, this is something that we can already relate to, the deeper part of ourselves which is quiet, wise and open-hearted, non-judgmental and accepting. Others of us have less experience of self-energy because we are blended with our parts. The truth is that even if we are able to access it, we can be blending and unblending with our parts almost all the time. Self-energy is characterized in IFS by the eight ‘c’s: compassion, curiosity, clarity, creativity, calm, confidence, courage, and connectedness - who wouldn’t want to experience these beautiful qualities? In IFS sessions, our ‘self’ becomes the compassionate leader that our parts need and by accessing it, and then getting to know our parts from self, our parts begin to feel understood and cared for, they feel that they can trust the self, our self, and through the process, held by the self-energy of the therapist, that part can be healed of any burdens that it may carry. We don’t even need to go to a therapist to start this enriching process – Swartz provides meditations for us to do to get to know our parts in his book, ‘No Bad Parts’.  I would recommend this book very highly.

Each of our parts or subpersonalities has a different character, it holds its own beliefs, emotions and motivations. Parts, just like people, are not always in agreement with one another. When parts don’t see eye to eye, they have the potential to wreak havoc in our lives. We all experience internal disagreements, and all of us can relate to the every-day example that there is a part of us which loves to go out and see friends and a part of us that just wants to go stay at home and that these two parts can be at odds with one another. Indeed, part of me wants to travel the world and the other part of me wants to stay on the sofa and watch movies and eat popcorn forever. These sound like frivolous examples but in fact at some level these parts are continuously, on a subtle level, influencing every one of our decisions and thereby shaping our lives. IFS gives us a way of exploring our inner landscape in order to deal with these as well as more serious polarisations which can bring more harmony to our system. This in turn influences our external lives. If we can understand our parts better, and then unburden them, heal them, we have a chance of creating a deeper and fuller understanding of ourselves and with this increased understanding, we can make better decisions and create more fulfilling lives.

When we experience an IFS session for the first time, we experience something quite unique, it’s like another reality, a place inhabited only by our parts. Often, during a session, time stands still and we can feel as if only ten minutes has passed but the session is already over. Being with your parts is a fascinating experience. There is something deeply peaceful, almost spiritual about developing a connection with them as they present themselves to you, each one with their individual worries and concerns. The state in which we find ourselves can be almost trance-like, something that we realise quite starkly when we open our eyes at the end of the session. This reminds me of the feeling of being in the alpha brain wave state, relaxed in a such a way that in which we can access more creativity than when we are in the fully awake (beta) state. This is the state that artists, writers and sports people describe as being ‘in the zone’ and it enhances the connection between our minds and our bodies. This is very useful in an IFS session because the first question that, after identifying a part that you would like to get to know, you will be asked by an IFS therapist is; where, in or around your body, do you sense this part? This really puts IFS on the map in terms of practices like mindfulness and somatic therapies. There is a whole branch of Somatic IFS, another reason to love it, it’s a truly holistic approach.

By turning inside and accessing self-energy, we can enter this unique internal landscape within each one of us, of which we are totally unaware during the course of our daily lives. Our parts present themselves to us, either in the form of emotions or physical sensations or as visual images. My parts present visually - I have an anxious part that presented as a ball of scribbles in black biro with arms and legs and I have a conforming part who was a little girl in formal dress sitting on a wooden block with her hands carefully placed in her lap. Whether visual or not, our parts are alive in their own space, they are living their own lives in that space, and they have something to share with us. It is fascinating not only  to understand that there is another reality where these parts of us are operating, pulling the strings in our life from another world entirely, but that we can also communicate with them, get to know them, and help to heal them.

I really enjoy IFS therapy because I no longer need to spend hours telling my therapist about my life, either past or present, if I choose not to. This is not for everyone, some people like to talk more than I do about their experiences, I just like my parts to speak for themselves as much as they can. The way that each therapist works is, of course, slightly different and you can choose to share a lot or a little as it feels right but in essence the time in your session belongs to getting to know your parts and releasing those that need it from the restricted and burdensome roles that they have been playing in your life. They are then free to have more satisfying roles from that point on, roles that they can choose for themselves. That means that if you heal, for example, your conforming part, like I did, then you are no longer driven to conform in certain circumstances and as a result, your life changes. My conforming part decided to spend her time doing exactly as she pleases, her freedom was mine too. I have spent less time conforming since then and it has indeed changed in my life.

IFS is a very practical therapy because, something I have come to appreciate, it provides a framework within which we can understand ourselves better, something that helps when you are triggered (a part is activated) in your daily life. We understand more explicitly our interactions with others from the standpoint of knowing our parts but also by understanding those of other people. It’s so empowering to understand, in the middle of the argument with your husband, that the part of him that is arguing with you is the one that holds all his anger about being forced to do things that he didn’t want to (as a child within his family), and that you are arguing from the part of you that feels that no one helps you (which happened to you all the time as you were growing up). The fact that these individual parts of each of you simply cannot find middle ground is completely understandable and, once you know this, you may choose not to argue, but to respect each other’s parts and choose another time to settle the matter, a time when you are both more able to take the burdens that those parts of one another carry into consideration. Through educating ourselves about it, without even having had therapy, it can and does help. From the moment I began to read about IFS, I began to see myself and others very differently and this really helped my relationships.

With IFS, as with other modalities, we have a framework within which to understand ourselves but with IFS this understanding feels deeper and, over time, we become kinder and more loving towards our parts. Ultimately, as a result of IFS therapy we experience a real depth of connection with our internal life, our inner being, we experience parts of ourselves that we didn’t know existed and we, from self, heal them. The trust that this builds within our system is invaluable, those parts feel the difference and so do we. We can be more self-led, our emotional lives take on a different quality.

We can extend this loving behaviour to those around us too, when we can recognize that the behaviour of our loved ones is based in deep emotional wounds which have given rise to the part that’s currently speaking, it easier to understand them. Being kinder and more compassionate, more loving to our parts as well as those of others – the world needs more of this sort of behaviour. Underneath all of the above reasons for the popularity of Internal Family Systems therapy, the bottom line is that we can experience deep healing – more on this next time - which leads to a sense of inner balance, and the capacity to lead to a more harmonious, authentic and happier life. I believe that this is what we all want.