Spring regeneration ..

Last week I outlined one way in which we can feel differently about ourselves, to practice feeling that way, so that it becomes more and more natural. What I described is not a quick fix, but a technique to use and develop over time. Being human is a little more complex than deciding to change and then changing.

Making Changes

During periods of regeneration and renewal we go through many stages. In the things that I, and other coaches, address when we write we give very little attention to how much change can disturb our sense of balance. We can all agree that change over which we have no control and that we do not want is painful. Yet very few of us actually talk about the kind of pain we can experience during times of profound change that we ourselves have chosen and actively implemented. We somehow imagine that if we have chosen it, it won’t hurt.

We decide to do something new, it doesn’t work, we hit a brick wall.

We decide we want something new, we choose it, we do everything in our control to make the change, and then we hit a brick wall. What do we do then? Colonel Sanders approached over 1000 restaurants across America before he sold his recipe for Kentucky Fried Chicken. What does this tell us? That we should keep going and never give up? Yes, it tells us something about determination. Yet what it doesn’t tell us about is Colonel Sanders emotional journey. It doesn’t tell us how he felt each time he was rejected. It doesn’t tell us how he coped with the feelings he had about himself as a result. The emotions that such rejection might elicit can be soul destroying.

Why is change so painful even when it is what we want?

The reason that making efforts to get what we want can be so profoundly painful is that what we are trying to do is to change patterns of being and doing that have been deeply embedded in our psyche for as long as we can remember and beyond. Many of us are not able to bring our dreams and goals into fruition simply because of this fact, that we have not yet discovered what exactly has held us back. Others have not succeeded because breaking those patterns is a painful process and potentially very lonely and it is too much for us.

Sometimes we can keep going for a while and then it all falls apart, any which way we look it is hard. If it was easy, then we would all have absolutely everything we wanted, with very little effort! I know I would! When effecting change takes an enormous amount of energy and leaves us tired and exhausted, you can be sure that we are trying to break a very deep pattern. It hurts, and is not the way we imagined we would feel at all.

Even when we get what we want we may not feel as good as we had imagined!

When we get what we want, it doesn’t necessarily stop there. Change that we instigate and achieve can also often leave us feeling quite negative. Again, this is because of the fact that we are breaking a pattern, but also because once we have achieved one thing, another challenge can immediately present itself.

For example: Getting more recognition at work might mean that our colleagues view us negatively, as competition instead of the friend we used to be. Feeling more confident about our appearance may mean that our boyfriend/girlfriend feels threatened instead of thrilled for us. Getting a great partner might make our friends envious enough to exclude us. That wasn’t supposed to happen, was it! At times we may even be tempted back into the security of our comfort zone, at least there we had the approval of those around us.

It takes courage, determination, fortitude, a sense of who you believe yourself to be and a great deal of strength to change things, to go through the pain of making things work the way we want them to, not the way they always have done.

Remember, you are not alone!

hillybarker@gmail.com