How Strong Is Your Self-Energy?

In Internal Family Systems, Self-energy is described through eight core qualities: calm, curiosity, clarity, compassion, confidence, courage, creativity and connectedness. These words might sound soft at first glance, but Self-energy is anything but vague or flimsy. It’s not about floating serenely above life, pretending everything is fine. Self-energy is steady and quietly powerful, the grounded force that lets you face challenges without being pulled into fear, anger or chaos.

Some years ago someone close to me kept pushing me to try a healing modality that had helped them enormously. While I appreciated how this had changed their life radically, I didn’t feel that it was for me.  I listened politely many times to how they thought this would be ideal for me. I kept saying that I wasn’t sure, that I might look into it at some point - my people pleaser part was definitely activated and it was doing its best to keep the peace! After quite some time had passed, when the conversations we had circled back to this topic again and again, and they just kept pushing, it wasn’t just my people-pleaser part any more , quite a number of my other parts had begun really buzzing.

One was annoyed with them for not having yet dropped it, another wanted to avoid conversation with them altogether, another felt like if I said I categorically would not do it, that they would push even harder so that it would be better if I just nodded along. Each time they brought it up, my discomfort grew.  Eventually, I realised that the only way forward was to connect with my Self-energy and, the next time they brought it up, I should let them know my absolute and unequivocal position.

Self-energy isn’t about people-pleasing or shutting down your feelings (I did this for a while as I said and I had all those parts react to my ineffective strategy). When I finally paused and took a breath, quieting the parts that had already got very involved, I could see very clearly that this person genuinely cared and wanted the best for me. That awareness softened my irritation but I also knew that I needed to have the confidence and courage to really stand my ground. It took some work because of my strong people-pleaser part but I told them, in a steady and warm tone, that while I valued their experience, this approach wasn’t something I was willing to take on. The work that I had been doing on myself used a very different approach which was the antithesis of everything that theirs stood for and so I would never sign up for the course. When I did it, my heart was beating slightly faster than normal but the words were true and clear and so that moment felt powerful because I had led from a place of grounded presence rather than reactivity.

This is what Self-energy looks like because it’s not about being endlessly calm or overly agreeable. It’s about standing rooted in your own truth while staying open-hearted. It’s the energy that lets you listen to your anxious or angry parts without being ruled by them. It’s the energy that helps you navigate relationships without losing your sense of self and that sparks creativity and possibility, even when life feels stuck.

Imagine what your life might feel like if you could meet challenges from this place more often. What if, when fear or anger rose up, you could pause and let curiosity lead? What if, when someone pushed against your boundaries, you could respond with both clarity and compassion instead of shutting down or spiraling? (which is what has happened to me) Self-energy isn’t about being perfect or calm all the time, that’s not real life. It’s about remembering that there’s a deeper, wiser presence within you that knows how to lead.

Self-energy is a steady flame that burns quietly no matter how fierce the winds become. It’s what allows you to show up as both compassionate and strong, clear and open. And once you’ve felt it, you see it for what it truly is, the most powerful force you have.