How Do You Meet Yourself - Hard or Soft?
I know a great many wonderful people and one of those people, whom I am lucky to call my friend, has written a book that was recently published called, ‘Living Softly’ (Jane Matthews) and I really love that she is spreading the word about how we can include this word, this feeling, in our lives. The word ‘soften’ has been a one that has featured in my vocabulary an enormous amount over the last few years. This is because of a request made that lies at the heart of the Internal Family Systems process, to ask parts to soften.
The request centres around the relationship that we have with the different parts of ourselves. For those who aren’t aware, the Internal Family Systems approach sees an individual as a system of parts and those parts get activated. Examples of these parts are anxiety, spiraling thoughts, excessive rumination, anger, sadness and when these are active in our lives, we see the world through the parts eyes rather than with clarity, calm and confidence. As good example is, a friend messages you to say,
‘Hey, you didn’t reply to my message yesterday.’
When you have an angry part active you might feel that they are accusing you of something, you might feel that they think that you are selfish or that you don’t care or that they are being controlling or trying to make you feel guilty and a wonderful friend is suddenly a threat. The part of you that is activated believes one, or a number of things – ‘I am being disrespected’ or ‘people always expect too much of me’ for example. We can easily respond defensively when the angry part is active. The feelings might be strong and they would show up in your body as a tight jaw, a knot in your solar plexus, black and white thinking even. And the negative thoughts about this friend would run away with you and this part could even decide that this isn’t the kind of friend that you want in your life. A hard response. (hard)
On the other hand, when the angry part isn’t active, instead of defensiveness, you may think something like, ‘they’re just checking in’, ‘they might be hurt that I haven’t been in touch, I had better message them’ (depending on the history of the relationship and the nature of the message) A totally benign communication and you would respond accordingly. (soft)
In the above example, the facts didn’t change but the meaning did. And it’s our different parts that attach these meanings to what happens to us. We see life through the lens of our experience and conditioning, as well as the beliefs that these created and they are what respond when they are activated.
When we work with parts that are holding these intense emotions, self-limiting beliefs about ourselves and the world around us, memories and conditioning and the physical sensations, tensions that accompany them, we approach them very differently, we are softer, and kinder with them. Emotions can be activated in a second, when you are least expecting it. You are having a completely normal day and then you get a message, you see something on Instagram or here on Substack and you react. And sometimes you react hard. It’s this response that needs to be softened and yes, we can do it through the IFS process. But we can also do it during the course of our day and in real time. If we are so inclined!
I am not saying that there are quick fixes because I have investigated every quick fix on the planet when it comes to my emotional life, but softening, the attitude of softening, can help. These feelings, these parts of us are a call from our inner world for attention. I wrote last time about how if you don’t pay attention to the whispers then they become screams. It happens to all of us and it’s human. And there are screams. And sometimes we really don’t want to look inside. We would rather eat some ice-cream in front of a movie (yes please) or go shopping with our friends. I bought a coat recently and then, three weeks later, I took it back. Who was I when I bought that coat? I think it was one of my distractor parts that was out with me that day… or maybe a part of me that felt that I should improve my image… ouch.
What I am trying to say is, that we can and perhaps (there is no should lol) should/could listen to our feelings, to the parts of us that are crying out for attention. It’s not easy. And sometimes it’s impossible. But if we can do this process, we may have some chance of getting a little distance between us and the part that is holding things for us. And by simply witnessing the part, it can be helped. In previous posts I have mentioned the witnessing process and it is very helpful to soften the parts that come up, so that they calm down. It can be helpful to think of the part as separate from rather than wholly you. You could externalise it if you wanted and from there, give it some reassurance. Isn’t that what we are looking for in front of a movie with the whole tub of ice cream in our hands, soothing?
So, softening is soothing and soothing is reassurance. It makes me think of the way that we would all love to have been parented in every moment, a kind and loving presence in our lives giving us the comfort that we all deserved. For some of us, that may never have been a reality and even if it was a reality for us, it couldn’t possibly give us reassurance every time we needed it and so we are all left with parts of us that need the attention and love that we never received. It’s strange how, whenever I think of IFS or the coaching work I do, I always end up back at love, more specifically self-love. Love is soft. How can you be softer, kinder and more loving towards yourself today?
I am putting the witnessing exercise here again, just in case it’s helpful.
Next time you feel a strong emotion rising - anxiety, irritation, sadness or self-criticism, try this:
Pause and say inwardly: ‘I notice a part of me feels…’ and name the emotion.
Place a hand on your chest or belly, feeling your own presence.
Add: ‘I see you. I know that you are a Part of me and not all of me.’
Give it some reassurance, even if it feels strange.
Take one slow breath out, offering space to the part.
Notice if anything softens, even slightly.
Thank you for reading my work. Enjoy your week. Hilly x
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